"We got to see a bear...and a fox....and  a pig with his little piglet..."

~Adam

I may as well work doubles every day, because every attempt at 'staycationing'  inevitably bombs. Like our disappointing trip to America, a simple trip to an isolated beach proved much the same.

I ducked out of work early with my brother & Adam,  picked up an economical case of Maclay's beer and some Mennonite summer sausage & headed for a beach in the middle of nowhere. I knew there wouldn't be anyone there as I had enumerated for the Census there one year. The area is scattered with random derelicts and draft dodgers and the occasional former SS officer (probably). The job (census) was, in fact, so terrible that I willed myself to break my leg.

Anyhow, there were a few people on the beach. Adam cracked a beer and Dave took a sip. I put our towels and stuff on the sand and out of the corner of my eye see a cop in full uniform and some sort of Lackey wearing  little khaki shorts tromping officiously behind him. I turned on my heel and headed back to where the guys were unloading the car.

"Dave. Hide that beer. Just put it behind the car. Like, now. Cops coming."
"Huh?...uh...." (walks around the car toward me) "Here. You take it." (puts open beer in my hand)
"What? DAVID, what do you want me to do with it..."
(walking away) "...i dunno. Drink it?"

Immediately the cops are standing in front of me.

Cop: And how are WEEE to day folks? Is this your vehicle?
Me: Yes... we are just, you know, going to go for a swim...
Cop: And you know that it is illegal to have open alcohol on a public beach?
Me: Really? Oh then, we didn't realize...(I pour out contents of drink)
Cop: I didn't TELL you to pour it out.
Me: Oh, right, well, we can't drink it anyway, right?
Cop: So I'm going to charge you ma'am. You can decide amongst yourselves if you want to help her pay for the ticket. I may decide to ticket the rest of you. Give me your ID's

The lackey eagerly collected our ID's, relishing the ridiculous domination of the cop. They made us collect all the bottles and count them, preaching at us about responsibility all the while. I got a $125 fine for merely having an open alcohol container outside. I didn't even get to take a sip.

"God, I'm so depressed. Kinda makes me want to...finish off the rest of that case..."

Another man at the beach came over and asked us what was going on. Apparently the cops have been frequenting these beaches on a daily basis, and even charged some lady 1500 bucks for driving her four-wheeler 10 yards to the beach without a helmet.

The problem with living in rural Ontario is that noone has anything better to do with their time than gossip and form asinine liquor laws (why not just have restrictions on drunkenness and littering?)

This of course isn't my first brush with the law, and likely won't be the last.
 

"I know what YOUR problem is. Your chakras, they're so unbalanced. Here, sleep next to this amethyst, and if that doesn't help I think you should do some (nitrous) balloons."

"Children's entertainer" really means part-time telemarketer, full-time batshit crazy. Even though I would pass her in the hallway constantly, whenever we got to the front door she would look me up and down and say "do I KNOW you?!" and then quickly open the door and lock it behind her. I'd just open the door with my own key.

One night I was awokened by the blissful strains of someone retching in the bathroom.

"Are you alright in there?"
(Kay) "ECkkk..I'm purging. I had a cleanse tonight. Get the hell away from me."
"Uh, OK.

I went downstairs to see the carnage. Various pots of oatmeal, partially boiled rice on the stove, and all the eggs had been emptied out into a juice carafe. Their shells had been placed carefully back into the carton, and she'd marked each broken shell with a capital letter "K".

"Chris...we have to talk about Kay. She was eating everything in the kitchen last night and puking all over the bathroom. Also, I think she has a rabbit holed up in her room. It stinks in here."
"I know. She hasn't paid her rent yet. I'm going to talk to her."

He approached Kay about the rent due (4 weeks not paid). He mentioned it politely, saying "whenever you get the money together, it would be great if you could just get me a cheque."

That evening she left a series of rambling messages on the answering machine.

"You have NO RIGHT to order me around...I am justified by my mere presence of being on this earth, all these demands, intrinsically...they have no idea how I am. I know what you're up to. You call me, yelling at me, that is harrassment, I will sue you. I will have you arrested. You have no power over me. Even though you want to turn me into some sort of Lupus sacrifice, I won't have you burn me at the stake..."

This went on for 20 minutes. The answering machine tape actually ran out. I have no idea what a "lupus" sacrifice is, but wolf images spring to mind. The next morning I went downstairs for breakfast. She was at the table, eating my cereal. When she saw me she pulled her bowl closer and shielded it with one arm.

"You don't live here. Get out. GET OUT."
"Uh...Kay. You know I live here. I've met you at least 12 times."
I start to pour my own bowl of cereal.
"Are you going to put barbecue sauce on that?"
"Probably not."
"Well if you were Chinese you would. Because you know what they do there?
"No Kay. What do they do in China?"
"They distribute barbecue sauce for free to all the people. So that when they kill their first born children, they can eat them. They all eat their first born children in China."
"Great."

Unsuccessful in our attempts to kick her out, one day I came home to see Chris changing the lock. He had forgotten to get some sort of tool so he said "I'll be right back. Just blockade the door if she comes back."

Seconds after he left I heard her clomping up the stairs. I quickly grabbed my art history textbook and a broom and wedged the door shut. She started charging the door, using her corpulent body as a battering ram.

"I KNOW you're in there, you little bitch. Now OPEN THIS DOOR."
"No Kay. I'm calling the police now. You need to calm down."

When the police showed up to escort her out, she grabbed her poor emaciated rabbit and shook her fist at us.

"You will regret you ever let me go!"